Disappearing dinner hour a bad sign
It's a typical Tuesday night and the Webers are on the run. Work, school, soccer practice. Dinner is hot dogs. But it's hot dogs by candlelight.
That's because Carol Weber, a single working mom with two kids in Colorado Springs, Colo., thinks it's the most important time of the day, for her small family. But she's in a dwindling minority.
The family dinner hour has been on the wane for quite a while, and itís a sign that families, too, are disintegrating as a unit, say experts.
In a recent issue of the APA Monitor, the professional publication of the American Psychological Society, a team of psychologists announced the results of a dinner-time study. They categorized 527 teenagers as either well-adjusted or not, then looked at the number of times they had dinner at home with their families.
The "well-adjusted" teens ate with their families five times a week. This group was less likely to do drugs or be depressed, more motivated at school and had better peer relationships.
The teens labeled as "not well-adjusted" ate with their families three or fewer days a week.
But with families often fractured by jobs and a multitude of activities, is it realistic to expect to have dinner together every night?
"The busier people get and the less time they spend together as a family, the more kids feel disconnected from their families and the more problems they have," says Carol Wallander, a counselor at Rampart High School in Colorado Springs.
"I see way too many kids who are depressed and who are on medication for depression - kids who have everything going for them," she says.
Tom Olkowski is a family-practice psychologist and spokesman for the Colorado Psychological Association, headquartered in Denver. He believes the family-dinner hour is dying as a tradition and finds many of the families he sees in his private practice don't have it as an element in their lives.
"A frequent complaint of parents is, 'He won't eat with us,í" he says. 'For a parent to say that, it's symbolic of a feeling of helplessness. It portrays a situation where the child comes and goes at will and indicates a breakdown of the parent-child relationship."
If parents want the family to dine together, he says, they need to start it as a routine when the child is small, and stick to it.
"These small traditions provide a closeness and a sense of security and unity for children. There's a comfort in the predictability of a routine."
Although his wife has a very busy schedule, Olkowski says when his own son, now 27, was at home, "I made sure (the two of us) ate together most nights, and all three of us when possible."
Olkowski, who wrote a book titled "Moving with Children," suggests in his book that family-dinner time is an especially good way to help children acclimate to a new home or town.
He also discourages having the television on during dinner, because it inhibits conversation.
"Parents need to take the lead here," he says. "The unfortunate thing is that parents with young children today grew up in the TV generation and THEY are the ones who want it on."
Dinner time is when, under the guise of conversation, parents can politely query their children about their day, how things are going at school, if they're still upset with a friend. It's also a time when parents can let children know what's going on in their lives.
"It may be the only time they sit down and really talk together," he says.
In a 1992 book, "The Overworked American," author Juliet B. Schor, a Harvard economist, revealed that compared with 1969, men worked a paid job an average of 98 hours more a year and women an astonishing additional 305 hours a year.
Kids, too, are busier than ever, with sports, clubs, hobbies and other interests.
If the fairy-tale image of a home-made chicken dinner on the table isn't realistic, Olkowski says, "be creative" --get takeout or order pizza, but eat it together.
The family-dinner hour is "a trait of a healthy family," says Bruce Brian, a Colorado Springs psychologist. It fosters exactly the kinds of things parents and children want -- a bond with each other, social skills, and a sense of belonging.
They learn table manners, the way to make conversation, perhaps share a prayer or a joke.
"It's a nurturing setting," and a ritual he recommends to families he counsels. He knows families are busy. But ...
"How we spend our time makes statement about our priorities," says. "Sometimes you have to give up something to get something."
BY LINDA DUVAL
KNIGHT RIDDER NEWSPAPERS
RICHMOND TIMES-DISPATCH MARCH 22, 1998